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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28785075">Living After We Die</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sylph_of_Breath/pseuds/Sylph_of_Breath'>Sylph_of_Breath</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Take my hand, wreck my plans [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Homestuck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Date Day Though Really, Date Night, Day 5, Dirk is not, Dirkjake Week 2021, Fluff, Horses, Jake is a cowboy, M/M, Minor reference to panic attacks, Some angst, dirkjake - Freeform, hippophobia, minor references to sex, that means fear of horses i looked it up</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:41:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,852</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28785075</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sylph_of_Breath/pseuds/Sylph_of_Breath</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Having recently rekindled their romance, <em>again</em>, Jake goes all out planning a big surprise date for Dirk. Unfortunately, due to a previous misunderstanding, Dirk's reaction to the surprise is not quite what Jake was hoping for. Can their very precarious new/old relationship survive the day?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jake English/Dirk Strider</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Take my hand, wreck my plans [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2141649</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Living After We Die</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>For DirkJake Week 2021 Day 5 - "Date Night"</p><p>Huge thank you again for the support from my new friends in the DirkJake week server! Especially huge shoutout to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/C4LIC4T/pseuds/C4LIC4T">C4LIC4T</a> for being my expert horse and car consultant! And for letting me write his sweet Ruger in as a featured character!</p><p>Title is from <em>Wild Horses</em> by The Rolling Stones. It's a good song. It's very DirkJake. Give it a listen!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dirk steps out of the front door of his apartment building and, as promised, Jake is just out front, leaning against a very striking bright orange sports car parked on the street. He grins and waves Dirk's way, and Dirk casually waves back, trying very hard to maintain his own smile to a much cooler level, only hoping he's doing better than he feels like he is.</p><p>"Hey."</p><p>"Howdy!"</p><p>When he reaches Jake, they take an awkward second to decide on a greeting before settling on a three-quarter angle hug and a mutual cheek kiss, which they only achieve after a few attempts to work around their precarious eyewear situation, adding to the awkwardness of the moment. They are only very recently <em>on again,</em> and back in the limbo of uncertainty of whether to behave like a couple who've been together for a week and a half, or one who've been together a total of anywhere from three to five years, depending on what one is deciding to count. And of course, being them, they are both desperate for the latter, but barely confident enough for the former. Experience tells them that this stage is hardly a good indicator of how or when that particular round of courtship will ultimately end, but beyond the usual giddiness of new love that it always entails, both of them can't help but to have a particularly good feeling about this time.</p><p>"Wowza, Dirk, you look…"</p><p>Jake's eyes fall to Dirk's body, and Dirk fights hard not to betray how utterly thrilled it makes him feel. He had spent a frankly embarrassing amount of time choosing a look that would impress his date while simultaneously appearing to have been thrown together without a thought. His only directions from Jake were <em>casual and comfortable,</em> as if that was even remotely helpful, so he settled on black skinny jeans, ripped at the knees, black leather ankle boots, his black and orange hat tank top, for just a pop of color, and his leather jacket. And of course, his ever-present shades. The final touch, of which he's particularly proud, are the earrings, recently dug up from "storage," as Dirk refers to the single cardboard box he keeps under his bed whenever they're broken up, full of things that remind him of Jake. They're a pair of small, raw emerald studs, and they were Jake's gift to Dirk on his 21st birthday. And he absolutely loves them. He wasn’t sure if Jake would even notice, or even remember, but he specifically sought them out just in case. But Jake's attention seems to be remaining below Dirk's neck, and mixed in with the expression that Dirk knows means he likes what he sees, is just a shadow of concern.</p><p>This prompts Dirk to notice Jake's outfit- a green khaki button up shirt with the sleeves rolled to just beneath his elbows, brown hiking boots, and- he does a double take to make sure he's not imagining it- <em>pants</em>. Actual, <em>long</em>, cargo pants. Dirk didn't think he even owned any, but maybe he bought them just for this? Jake's fashion sense has always been <em>unpredictable</em>, to put it politely, but almost always practical above all else. So this wasn't just random. He's wearing those because, for some practical reason, he has to.</p><p>"Uh, is this OK? For whatever we're doing? I can run in and change."</p><p>Dirk motions to his own outfit. Jake eyes him top to bottom again, which Dirk still can't help but enjoy, though his expression is now purely analytical. He considers a moment more.</p><p>"Well, it seems you've actually ticked all the boxes of the dress code, <em>technically</em>, so no need! And, begging your pardon- to finish my thought I left so unchivalrously hanging, you look positively dashing!"</p><p>Dirk blushes and tries even harder not to let his smile get away from him. He decides the best way to do that is to say something immediately.</p><p>"Thanks, man. Uh, you look great, too. As always.”</p><p>But of course, saying things without carefully thinking over all of the possible ramifications first doesn’t have the greatest track record for him. Now they’re both blushing, too embarrassed to know what to say next. Dirk looks for an out, and his eyes settle back on the car.</p><p>"So, I hate to be the one to break this to you, bro, but, aside from being 25, I'm pretty sure the whole immortality thing disqualifies you from having a midlife crisis."</p><p>Jake laughs.</p><p>"Touché, my friend, touché! But alas, this little humdinger is but a rental. Our destination is a bit of a ways- too far to walk or fly in any reasonable amount of time, so since there was need for a vehicle, I thought, why not go a bit all out for the occasion! Though I s'pose I may have gotten a tad carried away…"</p><p>He looks down again and rubs his arm nervously, and Dirk wonders if he's crossed beyond the acceptable boundary of light-hearted ribbing for this particular point in time. Not even on the way to the big special surprise date that Jake seemed so very excited about, and he's already made him feel bad about it. He backtracks.</p><p>"No, hey, it's awesome, man! Seriously! Is that a supercharged hemi?"</p><p>"'Fraid I haven't the faintest, but I've been assured she's quite fast, and boy, she sure is a beaut isn't she?"</p><p>"I'll say! And the color choice is a nice touch."</p><p>Jake's bashful smile returns.</p><p>"Well, hop on in then, compadre! We're losing daylight! Let's see how she takes to the open highway!"</p><p>Dirk now allows himself a controlled grin, as he sashays around the front of the car, lightly dragging his fingers along the hood, and climbs elegantly over the door before settling into the passenger seat. Jake had already opened his own door, and though he was struck with a shameful feeling of having realized he'd done the wrong thing in front of someone he's trying desperately to impress, decides it's too late to turn back, so he just assumes his spot in the driver's seat the normal way. He clears his throat.</p><p>"Well then, shall we?"</p><p>"No time like the present, man."</p><p>Their eyes meet again, but this time, it puts them both remarkably at ease.</p><p>"Allons-y then!"</p><p> </p><p>Once they make it out of the city, they drive for about an hour through increasingly rural landscapes. The top is down, and Jake seems to be very interested in testing out the promise that <em>she</em>, the car, that is, is in fact quite fast, so the conversation is extremely minimal out of necessity. But Dirk does his best not to get too hung up on that fact and just tries to enjoy the wind on his face and the company. He focuses on taking in the unfamiliar scenery, not wanting to appear rude or disinterested by pulling out his phone to alleviate his boredom. But then eventually, for seemingly no reason at all, Jake pulls over.</p><p>"Alright then…”</p><p>He turns to Dirk, seeming intent on saying something very rehearsed and specific, but is quickly overtaken with laughter.</p><p>“<em>What?</em>”</p><p>He tries to stifle it, which takes a few seconds before he’s able to speak again.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, it’s just…”</p><p>One more little giggle escapes.</p><p>“...<em> your hair!</em>”</p><p><em>Oh, fuck.</em> Dirk is flooded with dread at the realization that he should have had before they even left, if only he wasn’t so distracted by the beautiful car and even more beautiful man. He frantically pulls down his visor and looks in the mirror, and, yep, his hair is a goddamn <em>mess</em>. He had spent even more time and even more product on it than usual today, of course, but that now appears to have had the opposite effect, as it’s now pretty firmly set in an absolutely chaotic sculpture, sticking out in all directions. He immediately gets to work doing anything he can possibly think of to get it to cooperate and form some semblance of a style that’s not completely insane, all while listening to Jake’s rekindled laughter in the background. <em>Wonderful</em>.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Dirk, really, I know I shouldn’t laugh- I know how you are about your hair! But if it makes you feel better, I promise there’ll barely be anyone else to see you where we’re going, and really, how your hair looks really won’t make a lick of difference, when all’s said and done! I promise.”</p><p>Between Jake’s words and Dirk’s eventual (though very minor) progress, he finally relents and pops the visor back up. He looks back to Jake.</p><p>“So did we just stop for you to make fun of my hair, or was there something else?”</p><p>He didn’t mean it to sound as bitter as it came out, but at least it has the effect of breaking Jake out of his laughing fit and getting him back to the task at hand.</p><p>“Right, sorry, again. But yes, I did indeed stop for a real reason! And I know you’re gonna wanna make a fuss, but I'm going to have to insist you put this on.”</p><p>He pulls a solid black sleep mask from his shirt pocket and reaches it out to Dirk, who’s mind begins to run rampant with possibilities.</p><p>“We're nearly there, and silly as it is, I'm rather dead set on keeping up the surprise until we've arrived! I promise I’ll keep you perfectly safe until then!”</p><p>That makes a lot more sense than what Dirk was thinking, and while it doesn’t seem nearly as fun, he hesitantly takes it and quickly swaps it with his shades.</p><p>“I’m trusting you bro. My life is in your hands.”</p><p>“I shall not let you down, bro!”</p><p>He then immediately and without warning accelerates and merges back onto the road, making Dirk feel like he’s swallowed his heart and in danger of puking it right back up. Dirk wonders if dying just to make Jake feel validated in his idiotic romantic notions would count as Heroic. Or maybe being stupid enough to play along qualifies as Just. He decides it’s worth the risk either way, but he’s still not terribly thrilled about it.</p><p> </p><p>Fortunately, it’s not too long before Dirk feels the car slowing down, and looks forward to his imminent freedom. Unfortunately, his freedom turns out to be less imminent than he’d allowed himself to believe. At least another three or four minutes pass of them just driving along very slowly, but with near constant twists and turns, and actually constant little bumps, with the occasional big bump that lurches his stomach with no warning. He tries to focus on his gratitude that they had not yet eaten, so at least he doesn’t have to worry about throwing up all over his maybe-boyfriend’s extremely expensive rental car before the Big Date has even started in earnest. Jake peppers in an occasional ‘<em>sorry about that chap</em>’ or the like, but all it does is force Dirk to expend his already overtaxed brain power to come back with a ‘<em>don’t worry about it</em>’ or the like, and try to sound like he means it. But finally, the car stops. He's wary to believe it this time, until Jake announces, “We’re here! Go ahead and have a look-see!”</p><p>Dirk hesitantly pulls the blindfold up, replacing his shades almost simultaneously, and he looks around.</p><p>They’re…on a…<em>farm?</em> That would explain the smell. He shifts in his seat to survey all three-sixty degrees of his surroundings. Straight ahead a few barn-like buildings surrounded by a fence that stretches out in each direction before squaring off and closing a few dozen yards behind. To the left, a seemingly untouched meadow of tall grass and wildflowers. To the right and behind, with his nemesis, the twisting, rocky dirt driveway cutting through, woods, sloping up to what’s either a very large hill or maybe a small mountain. He looks back ahead to study the main scene more closely. Above the large barn doors is painted <em>Rolling Stone Ranch.</em> There is a woman standing in the barn doorway, smiling and waving in their direction. And in the fenced pasture beyond-</p><p>
  <em>Oh God. Oh no.</em>
</p><p>Dirk freezes in a sudden dread.</p><p>
  <em>Horses.</em>
</p><p>Actual, real live, honest to God, unfuckingbelievably huge-ass <em>horses</em>. With hooves. And teeth. And legs that could kick your head clean off without a second thought or an ounce of remorse. And if you were stupid enough to be in such close proximity to a <em>fucking horse</em> to get your head kicked off, well, that's as Just a death as any, as far as he's concerned.</p><p>Dirk is too lost in his own existential dread to notice, but Jake’s gaze is now fully focused on his face, and he’s beaming.</p><p>“Surprise!”</p><p>Dirk doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t move.</p><p>“I know how much you love horses, so I thought I’d…”</p><p>He seems to now notice that Dirk’s reaction is not what he was expecting. Far from it.</p><p>“Uh, you alright there, cowboy? I know the last leg of the trip was a bit of a jostle, but I’m sure if you just give it a hot minute…”</p><p>“Jake…”</p><p>Dirk finally manages to regain his ability to speak. He's terrified to ask the question that hangs on his lips, already knowing the answer, but he's more terrified not to ask. Maybe, by some blessed twist of fate, he's wrong…?</p><p>“...what are we doing here?”</p><p>The corners of Jake's mouth drop slightly, and his eyes widen slightly, but he's still trying to maintain at least a neutral demeanor.</p><p>“Well, golly, Dirk, I’da thought a sharp fella like you mighta solved that particular riddle from the context clues, but- well, I went ahead and booked us a little trail ride!”</p><p>Well, he <em>was</em> wrong, at least, but in the wrong direction. What he was picturing was more akin to a pony ride for hire one might find at an eighth birthday party- just a short trip around a pen being pulled along by a disgruntled clown, or in this case, probably that lady who’s now walking their way, or something like that. Horrifying, embarrassing, but quick at least. This is worse.</p><p>“A…<em>trail…ride?</em>”</p><p>“Er- yes, Dirk. It’s when you ride…on a trail…?”</p><p>With each confirmation of what he now already knows comes more panic. But a small hope that maybe this is all a big misunderstanding persists, and that part of him is still just barely able to speak.</p><p>“So, wait, hold on, just to clarify- what you’re telling me right now is…you brought me here to…<em>ride a horse? On a trail?</em>”</p><p>Jake’s expression is still perplexed primarily, but as the conversation goes on, panic of his own is slowly seeping in.</p><p>“Well, yes, Dirk. What else would we be riding on the trail?”</p><p>"Jake… I don't know <em>how</em> to ride a horse!"</p><p>"Well, that's perfectly all right, my little brony! I've only saddled up a handful of times myself, but it’s all just simple as peach pie, really! And they teach you all you need to know- stop, go, turn right, and all that jazz…"</p><p>Dirk is frozen again. He's out of ways to talk his way out of this. Jake's words, meanwhile, trail off, and his face becomes paler as he picks up more and more on Dirk’s state of mind.</p><p>“Dirk...you <em>love</em> horses.”</p><p>Jake's voice and his face can't seem to agree on whether that was a statement or a question. Dirk’s answer works either way.</p><p>"Yeah, but like… <em>in theory!</em>"</p><p>"What does that even mean, <em>in theory?</em> I don't understand! You...you <em>love</em> horses, Dirk! You've always loved horses!"</p><p>His voice is getting a bit elevated, like he's moved on to actually arguing the point.</p><p>"Jake, I don't… I've never, actually, like, <em>met</em> a horse!"</p><p>They're both silent for a beat, faced with the fact that nothing either of them can say will change what's happening here. Then Jake seems to make one last half-hearted, absent-minded attempt.</p><p>“But… you… <em>love</em> horses…”</p><p>Oh no, he's <em>glitching</em>. This is textbook Jake English pre-panic attack behavior, Dirk knows all too well, and he likewise knows that he has mere seconds to nip it at the bud before it blossoms into a meltdown that this date, and, he fears, their new/old relationship, would not recover from. He's not sure if he himself would recover from the guilt of hurting Jake in the worst possible way so early into things, either. Surely it would be a new record, at least. He takes one split second and all of his willpower to tell himself decisively- <em>Dirk Strider, you fucking </em>love <em>horses. Period.</em>- and he's ready to do what needs to be done.</p><p>"Hey, Jake, hey…"</p><p>He turns and looks Jake in the eye. He places his hand softly onto his arm.</p><p>"I do. I do love horses. I just, I wasn't expecting all this! But it's amazing, really. Thank you."</p><p>He smiles warmly. Jake relaxes and smiles back. It worked, now all Dirk has to do is believe it.</p><p>"Oh, <em>phew!</em> Haha, forgive me, old sport! I was questioning my faculties for a bit there, but I knew even I couldn't have so utterly misremembered such a prominent interest of yours! Well, shall we then?"</p><p>With a quick wink Dirk's way, he turns to get out of the car. Dirk needs a second to recover from the devastating effect of said wink on his own faculties, but then follows suit. Jake waits for Dirk to join him and offers his hand, which Dirk gratefully takes, and together, they approach the barn.</p><p>“There he is! The famous Jake English!”</p><p>“‘Fraid so! How’ve you been, Priya, my dear friend?”</p><p>“Well, just hotsy-totsy, now you’re here!”</p><p>Jake and Priya, apparently, share a very friendly hug upon reaching each other. Too friendly? Jake had neglected to disclose they’d be meeting an old friend of his that he has not once ever mentioned, and one who appears to just basically be Jake if he were a horse girl.</p><p>“Murderation, where are my manners? Priya, I’d like you to meet my…”</p><p>He hesitates for a brief second.</p><p>“...<em>friend</em>, Dirk Strider!”</p><p>Dirk’s not sure there is a better term for exactly what he is to Jake at the moment, at least nothing Priya necessarily needs a full run-down of, but he still can’t help feel a little dejected at the word choice. Especially since Priya herself is a <em>dear</em> friend. Dear Priya enthusiastically grabs Dirk’s hand with a grin and shakes vigorously.</p><p>“So lovely to finally meet you, Dirk! I’ve heard ever so much about you!”</p><p>Jake seems to blush slightly at that, which tells Dirk that she’s not just referring to her high school history textbooks or supermarket tabloids. That’s a point in his favor at least.</p><p><em>OK, no,</em> Dirk tells himself. <em>Shut this down.</em> Jake did not take him on a <em>date</em> to a place run by some mysterious horse lady who he’s <em>actually</em> interested in so they could, what, laugh at him together? Dirk is nervous and self-conscious as hell, but he’s not actually stupid enough to believe that. He does manage to shake the thought from his mind, but then finds, to his regret, that there’s now plenty of space to be occupied once again by the sheer horror of the fact that he’s going to have to ride a horse up a fucking mountain just minutes from now. <em>Great</em>.</p><p>Dirk realizes that he had neglected to actually say any words to the person he was being introduced to, and apparently enough time had passed while he was lost in thought to make that noticeable. But it’s too late, Priya has now released his hand, and her overly friendly smile has turned into a normally friendly but confused smile.</p><p>“Well, alrighty then, I s’pose I’ll just go wrangle us up some horses and we can get this show on the road! Back in a tick, darlins!”</p><p>She heads back into the barn, and Jake steps back over closer to Dirk.</p><p>“Dirk, buddy, are you faring alright, chum? You know, if you don’t think you’re feeling quite up to snuff for this…”</p><p><em>Oh God,</em> the direct invitation to get out of this once and for all is so unbearably tempting, but not nearly so much as the sparkle of disappointment in Jake’s eye as he makes the offer is absolutely heart-wrenching.</p><p>“No! No, sorry, I’m good. Sorry. Just a little shaken up still from the ride in I guess. I’m good though. I’m, uh, up to snuff.”</p><p>Jake seems a little less inclined to believe it this time, but settles there eventually nonetheless.</p><p>“You’re gonna love it Dirk, I promise! There’s no feeling like it in the world! Not even flying! No sirree, you’ll never forget your first time on a horse, I can guarantee you that!”</p><p>He’s grinning again, and he’s taken hold of Dirk’s hand again in his excitement.</p><p>“Jake, I absolutely do not doubt it, don’t worry.”</p><p>Of course, he didn’t mean anything like what Jake meant, but then Jake lifts his hand and plants the most beautifully soft kiss on his knuckles, that Dirk’s mind once again blanks out completely. It’s all he can do to keep his knees from buckling beneath him. But once again the blissful ignorance is short-lived, because Priya is now emerging from the barn with three horses in tow. And as they’re getting closer, they are getting so much <em>bigger</em>.</p><p>Jake once again seems to have lost interest in Dirk. He releases his hand and starts in Priya’s direction.</p><p>“Aha! There’s my girl! Hello sweet Nutmeg, boy have I missed you!”</p><p>Priya hands him the reins to the largest horse, mostly white with light brown speckles and a dark blonde mane and tail. He pats her neck, then her face, and even kisses her fucking nose, and Dirk seriously questions who this man standing in front of him even is, and if he even knows him at all.</p><p>“So…when you said you’ve only <em>saddled up</em> a handful of times…”</p><p>Priya snorts. Wow, she really is a horse girl isn't she?</p><p>“Is that what he told you! Oh no, hun, old Jake’s here at least once or twice a month these days! Handful of times my boot! Sometimes I worry he’s gunnin’ for my job!”</p><p>Jake blushes again.</p><p>“Well, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, surely! But, yes, all right, I s’pose I may have downplayed my experience a tad. But really, Dirk, this trail’s about as beginner-friendly as they come, don’t you worry! Not to mention ol’ Ruger here! I have no doubt you two will hit it off without a hitch!”</p><p>Priya takes the cue to try to hand Dirk the reins to the smallest horse, dark brown with a cropped black mane, and a touch of white just around his mouth. <em>Ruger</em>, apparently. But Dirk instinctively steps back.</p><p>“Sorry…”</p><p>“He won’t hurt you, hun, Ruger’s just about the sweetest little old man there is, I promise! Do you wanna give him a cookie first? He’ll be your best friend forever for a cookie!”</p><p>Dirk’s not sure he wants Ruger to be his best friend forever, let alone if he wants to put his hand anywhere near the thing’s mouth. So he just sort of stands there for a moment, not saying anything, letting the awkward seconds tick by.</p><p>“I’ll take a cookie!”</p><p>Jake leads Nutmeg over between Priya and the horses and Dirk, and she takes what’s apparently a <em>cookie for horses</em> out of her fanny pack and hands it to him. But before he feeds it to Nutmeg, he looks back at Dirk and reaches out his other hand.</p><p>“It’s all right, Dirk, I promise.”</p><p>He smiles so sweetly, with nothing but patience and understanding and not a trace of judgement, that Dirk can’t help but to trust him unquestionably with his life, even more than usual. He takes his hand and steps up beside him, and then Jake holds his other palm up to Nutmeg’s mouth, making sure Dirk can see how she enthusiastically, but gently, vacuums the cookie right up. Jake gives her another pat on the cheek as she chews.</p><p>“Atta girl! You like that, don’t you?”</p><p>He turns back to Dirk.</p><p>“Do you wanna try?”</p><p>Dirk forces himself to nod. He steps around Jake and accepts the treat from Priya.</p><p>“Now just keep your hand flat and he can’t bite ya even if he wanted to.”</p><p>Dirk stretches his hand so flat it's nearly bent backwards. He takes a deep breath, looks back one more time at Jake’s smiling face, and then, slowly, lifts his hand to Ruger’s mouth. In a split second, Ruger sniffs deeply, perks up considerably, and the next thing Dirk knows, his whole palm is nearly covered by a pair of big, slimy, prehensile lips.</p><p>“<em>Fuck!</em>”</p><p>He practically leaps backwards this time from the shock. But then he looks at his hand, disgusting and wet but not injured, and he looks at Ruger, just chewing nonchalantly, not chasing after him or anything ridiculous like that. He looks at Priya, who is very politely but not terribly effectively trying to hold in a laugh, and he looks at Jake, who is just smiling proudly.</p><p>“There you go! Rather an unusual sensation, to be sure, but well done, Dirk! Why, you’ve come out the other end of your first interaction with a real live horse unscathed! I’m proud of you, chap! Really!”</p><p>Dirk is surprised to feel a smile of his own start to form.</p><p>“Ha, yeah, I guess I sure did just feed an actual goddamn horse right out of my bare fucking hand, didn’t I? And, yeah, totally unscathed, just a bit, uh, slimy. Thanks, man.”</p><p>Priya tries again to hand Ruger’s reins over to Dirk, seeming to have understandably lost a bit of patience, and this time, he hesitantly accepts. If Ruger even noticed, he’s showing no sign whatsoever, still just perfectly happy to just kinda...stand there, being a horse. Dirk grows a bit bolder.</p><p>“Can I, uh…”</p><p>He does his best impression of the neck patting motion Jake used, stopping several inches shy of Ruger’s actual neck.</p><p>“Of course, hun! Like I said, he’s about the chillest little old guy you’re likely to find, you can pet him all you want!”</p><p>Dirk gathers his courage for another moment, and then finally makes contact. As promised, Ruger doesn’t seem to mind one bit, and Dirk soon finds that, despite a bit of persistent caution, he actually sort of enjoys it himself.</p><p>“Well, boys, if it’s all the same to you, I think we’d better get a move on if we wanna get back before dark!”</p><p>Priya steps up and swings herself up onto her sleek black horse in one incredibly practiced and graceful motion that Dirk can’t help but be a little impressed by.</p><p>“Righto! Tally ho then, mi amiga!”</p><p>Jake’s own mount is almost as graceful as Priya’s, but this time, Dirk can’t help but be hugely impressed by it, and more than a little turned on. But, <em>wow</em>, this is so very much not the time or the place for that, so he immediately looks away and tries to focus on the task ahead of him.</p><p><em>OK, how did Jake do it? </em>No, stop. <em>How did Priya do it?</em> He examines the various pieces of equipment strapped onto Ruger, tries to visualize Priya’s motions, and strategizes the most logical course of action. He does this for what feels like too long a time. For a moment, he seriously considers just floating himself a few feet above the damn thing, spreading his legs, and, very carefully, lowering himself down, but based on his riding companions failure to even mention it, getting up the normal way is apparently not supposed to be very hard. He stares a few more seconds at the stirrup, at the saddle, at Ruger’s disinterested face, and he does a few more quick calculations in his head. <em>Well, here goes nothing…</em></p><p>He grabs hold of the sticky-uppy bit at the front of the saddle, shoves his boot into the stirrup, closes his eyes, and with a great release of energy that he doesn’t give himself time to doubt, pushes, pulls, and swings his various body parts in what he can only assume is vaguely proper form, and to his great relief, when he opens his eyes again, he is both alive and seated in the saddle. But to his great horror, just before that, he definitely heard a <em>rip</em>. He frantically looks around at his clothes, praying not to find anything peeking out that shouldn’t be, but thankfully, it seems the rip was contained to the already frayed knees of his jeans. Of course, they are now completely ruined, so clearly transformed from fashionably ripped to ridiculously ripped by the few extra inches, but for today at least, he’d long since let go of his desire to look his best. He then catches a glance at his left boot, irreparable scuffed where it pressed into the stirrup during his mount, but before that both boots were already so caked in mud they would very likely be unsalvageable anyway. He estimates that he’s now lost more money on this date than Jake has, but quickly shakes the thought from his mind. He has money. He’ll get new pants and new boots later. He’s on the horse already, might as well keep on keeping on and try to see if he can’t still at least trick Jake into thinking he had a good time.</p><p>“There ya go, sweetie! That’s the hard part all over and done with! Now, all you gotta know is kick to go or speed up, pull the reins back to stop or slow down, and pull the reins one way or the other to turn, though ol’ Ruger’s walked this trail so many times you shouldn’t have much need for turnin’ at all. OK then! Jake and Nutmeg are gonna lead the way, and Lightning and me’ll be right behind you bringin’ up the rear. Andiamo, boys!”</p><p>Dirk just sits there for a few more seconds before he comes to terms with the fact that that was his whole lesson. He takes a deep breath, and then gently taps his heels against Ruger’s sides. Ruger doesn’t even look up from the patch of grass he’s currently munching on.</p><p>“Oh, darlin’, you’re gonna have to be way more forceful than that! I promise you couldn’t hurt him if you tried!”</p><p>Dirk’s first thought is to take that as a challenge of his strength, but he’s not so much of a monster to take his wounded pride out on a defenseless, elderly animal. So he just tries a slightly harder kick, which Ruger seems to have at least noticed. Then slightly harder than that, and he lifts his head. And one more just a little bit harder and...<em>whoa</em>. He’s moving, and holy shit does it feel <em>weird</em>.</p><p>“That’s it Dirk! Excellent! See? You’re a natural!”</p><p>He knows Jake means well, but contrasted to how utterly <em>unnatural</em> he feels in his current situation, the words hit with a sharp sting of condescension. But he gets over it quickly in order to devote his full attention to not falling off this fucking horse, and the three of them form their line and set off up the trail.</p><p> </p><p>The ride is far from leisurely, for Dirk, at least. He does, very slowly, begin to just barely become accustomed to the sensation of slow-motion bouncing that apparently encompasses the majority of the <em>trail ride</em> experience, but at no point does he let up his very tight grip on the sticky uppy bit, nor his legs’ tight squeeze on Ruger himself. He doesn’t much enjoy the scenery, as he can’t bring himself to lift his gaze from the dubiously rocky trail itself, as if his extra pair of eyes on it will somehow help Ruger keep his footing. At one point, he’s rewarded for his cowardice with a branch right to the face, followed by the sound of Priya’s laughter behind him. He doesn’t look back, out of both fear and humiliation. At another point, he’s filled with panic over having somehow suddenly lost control when Ruger stops dead without prompting, before Priya graciously informs him that he’s just taking a shit, and he soon continues on just as before. And between incidents, Priya and Jake frequently shout little observations and inside jokes back and forth to each other quite literally over Dirk’s head, giving him the distinct impression that that now makes three of them who would rather him not even be there at all.</p><p>Just when Dirk’s about ready to give up, fly down the mountain, and let Ruger find his way home on his own, Jake turns and looks back. He makes brief eye contact with Dirk before bashfully shifting his attention past him to Priya. Dirk takes the opportunity to finally work up the courage to turn around himself to try to figure out what’s going on. Priya makes a face of sudden understanding, then a sly smirk, before making an unexpected announcement.</p><p>“Alrighty boys, break time! Lightning and me are gonna go do a quick lap around the upper trail, you two just hang back here and we’ll be back in fifteen, and then we can all head down for supper!”</p><p>She has Lightning turned around and heading much faster than their previous pace in the opposite direction before Dirk can protest the loss of, as far as he’s concerned, the only thing standing between him and falling off the mountain. By the time he faces forward again, Jake is doing the same, but he can clearly sense the nervousness coming off him just from his back. Well, if he’s not even confident in their safety with Priya gone, Dirk supposes he’d better start making peace with a whole lot of stuff pretty damn quick. But then Jake makes a shaky announcement of his own.</p><p>“Uh, just up here there’s a nice little spot to pull off. Follow me…”</p><p>Jake gives Nutmeg a kick and they’re off again, so, despite his trepidation, Dirk follows suit. It can’t be worse than being left to die all alone on a mountain. And, as promised, just a few yards further, Jake takes Nutmeg to the left through an opening in the treeline, and when Dirk and Ruger reach the same spot, they do the same. Still keeping his eyes on the ground ahead of him, Dirk manages to successfully park Ruger just next to Nutmeg. And once he’s confident that Ruger understands that he has been <em>parked</em> until further notice, Dirk finally looks up.</p><p>“<em>Wow</em>…”</p><p>The view he’s met with quite literally, for just a moment, takes his breath away. They appear to be just a few hundred feet up, but can see for miles out ahead. The now tiny ranch is just below, but beyond that, nothing but trees, rolling hills, meadows, a small, distant lake, and not another building or any indication of civilization in sight. And above, in an enormous and nearly cloudless sky, the sun shines it’s last light, coating everything in an ethereal golden warmth.</p><p>Dirk has certainly seen his share of remarkable sunsets, but mostly over an empty, lonesome ocean. This is so much more.</p><p>“It sure is something isn’t it? I do believe this is just about the prettiest place I’ve seen on this or any planet, especially at sunset. The colors are just exquisite, aren’t they?”</p><p>Jake might think he’s being subtle specifically pointing out the colors- primarily several shades of orange with a touch of pink for good measure- just like he might have thought he was being subtle renting an orange car, as if that’s just a common enough thing to just chance into. Just like Dirk now realizes he may have not actually been that subtle choosing his green earrings. But regardless, the message is very clearly, and very well received.</p><p>“<em>Beautiful</em>.”</p><p>The magic of the moment is enough to carry them through several solid minutes of silence without a trace of discomfort or doubt, but eventually, with the sunlight, it does begin to fade. If one of both of them were able to muster up the courage, this would be a prime opportunity to cut the tension with a kiss, or at least an especially romantically charged hand hold, but as they are both sitting several feet apart on top of horses, neither of those are viable options. Dirk wonders briefly whether that was an oversight on Jake’s part or perhaps an intentional failsafe. As well as he knows Jake, both are equally believable. But regardless, physical ice breakers are off the table, so Dirk settles on a verbal one.</p><p>“OK, are you really gonna make me actually ask?”</p><p>“Ask what, pal? I’m afraid I’m quite in the dark here!”</p><p>Maybe the magic hadn’t quite faded yet for Jake, because he does seem rather taken aback with the sudden cryptic question. But it’s too late now.</p><p>“Jake- when the fuck did you become a straight-up <em>cowboy?</em>”</p><p>Jake laughs uneasily and looks away.</p><p>“Oh, that. Well, I’d hardly dub myself a veritable vaquero by any stretch, but, I s’pose I took it up about… well, about a year ago.”</p><p>“<em>Oh</em>.”</p><p>Dirk now looks away in shame. They both know exactly what he means by ‘about a year ago.’ He means the last time they broke up. One of the nastier times, as well. There’s an awkward beat while they both give themselves and each other time to acknowledge this, but then Jake soldiers on.</p><p>“I guess I found myself in the market for a new pastime, and I’d heard on good authority how majestic and profound of creatures horses were, and, well, that must’ve stuck in my mind. So I stumbled upon Priya’s little setup here on the old line, and decided to give horsing around a shot. And, well, Priya’s already spilled this particular can of beans, but, yes, I’ve since become a bit of an enthusiast.”</p><p>Dirk decides it’s now his turn to soldier on through a bit of vulnerable honestly. Jake most certainly deserves that much, at the very least.</p><p>“Well, it’s a good look on you, man. And…it’s nice to see you so…<em>happy</em>.”</p><p>Jake looks back at Dirk. He seems genuinely touched.</p><p>“That’s, shucks, Dirk, that means quite a lot, coming from you. More than I think you know, really. And, yes, I reckon <em>happy</em> does just about sum it up, now I think about it. But more than that, I’m…”</p><p>He pauses to take a deep breath, and his face takes on a new air of determination when he looks up again.</p><p>“I’m happy you’re here. I’m happy to get to share this with you, Dirk. Finally.”</p><p>“Yeah. Me too.”</p><p>And he knows, without a single ounce of doubt, just how much he truly means it.</p><p> </p><p>Hours later, after a considerably easier trip back down the mountain, a well-earned picnic dinner, and a quick tour and equine meet and greet through the barn before taking their leave of Rolling Stone Ranch, Dirk and Jake are seated on the back of the rental car, parked on the side of some unlit country road. Dirk had made a comment about the number of visible stars, so, despite his protests, Jake pulled right over, lowered the roof, and insisted they sit and enjoy them, just for a little while. Dirk is gazing up at the sky, shades hanging off the front of his shirt. Jake is mostly gazing at Dirk.</p><p>“You’d think spending so much time in literal outer space would kill a guy’s ability to be impressed by stars, but, <em>damn</em>…”</p><p>“Well, City Boy, I s’pose a couple of years of light pollution’s all it takes to Frankenstein that particular ability right back! Lordy, Dirk, remind me to get you into the great outdoors more often!”</p><p>“Yeah, I guess it’s not so bad.”</p><p>Their hands are already positioned so close together on the car, fingers occasionally brushing against each other accidentally or purposefully. It’s surprisingly comfortable, but then after another moment of silence, Jake seems to tense up again.</p><p>“Dirk, you did have fun today, didn’t you? You can be honest, really, I can take it. Just, the thing is, just to be quite upfront about it, I’m personally rather inclined to do things like this a whole lot more often. With you, that is. But only if you like it! Really like it! The last thing I want is to drag you around quite literally through the mud and have you just pretending not to be miserable the whole time for my sake! Honestly, push comes to shove, I don’t much care what activity facilitates the whole thing, I just…I only want to spend time with you. And I want you to want to spend time with me, however the time may be spent. Truly. So, heh, apologies, I got a bit rambly there I guess, but-<em> did you?</em> Have fun today?”</p><p>Dirk feels the corners of his mouth tug upwards as he remembers the events of the day.</p><p>“Honestly, Jake, I didn’t think I would, but you have once again managed to surprise me in unfathomable and completely absurd ways that I’m sure you alone are capable of. I really wish I knew how you do it, man, I really do. But you know what? Maybe I don’t. Maybe I’d rather just keep being surprised.”</p><p>He glances at Jake, who seems pleased, but not fully satisfied. So he continues.</p><p>“But to answer your question- well, my clothes are ruined, I’m sweaty and dirty and sore in places I didn’t know I had, and I spent a good chunk of the day literally fearing for my life, and I'm legitimately petrified to face a mirror again and see what sort of abomination my hair has morphed into by this point. But… yes, Jake. I absolutely had fun. I still can’t quite believe it, but I had an inconceivable amount of fun today going on a fucking <em>trail ride</em> with you. So thank you.”</p><p>He slides his hand now fully onto Jake’s. Jake beams.</p><p>“Well then! I am sorry about your duds, I might have been a bit more upfront about the proper attire for the day, but aside from that, I’m absolutely pleased as punch that you enjoyed yourself! I guess we can mark this down in the ledger as one successful date!”</p><p>"Sure, bro, go ahead and mark your ledger, or whatever the fuck. Though, successful or not, I do hope you weren't expecting to get some after this, cause the second I get home, I'm submerging my entire lower half in an ice bath and not coming out for at least a week."</p><p>Dirk knew it was a bit of a risky joke, as much as the tension between them had already dissipated, but took the opportunity anway to try to chip away at it a bit more. Plus, it couldn’t hurt to start laying some groundwork for the hopefully not too distant future, after all, while things are going well. But it pays off. Jake's cheeks redden a bit, but he laughs heartily, and grips Dirk’s hand tighter.</p><p>"Duly noted, sir! I will be sure to take that into account for next time! Perhaps I’ll just go ahead and cancel that rock climbing expedition I’d booked us for next week then..."</p><p>They both laugh, and then just sit for another comfortably silent moment under the million stars. But soon, by some fortunate force, they both glance each other's way at the very same time. There is only an instant of instinctual panic before their better senses take the reins, telling them both that this is <em>good</em>. They both lean in and meet in a fearless, passionate kiss.</p><p>One distinct benefit of their tumultuous history is the moments exactly like this. It's all the thrill, the excitement, the chaotic, seemingly limitless euphoria of a first kiss, with all the warm familiarity, safety, and understanding of a thousandth, all wrapped up in one. It’s both, after all, in equal measure. They both know exactly where to put their hands on each other, exactly how to move their lips, exactly what to do with their tongues, and their teeth, and when, and how much, to make the other feel so incredibly good like nothing and no one else can. No matter how long they've been apart prior to each first kiss, the knowledge is never forgotten. It's forever carved into their memories, it'd be like riding a bike, if either of them had ever learned to ride a bike. And despite how effortlessly it always comes back, the care and attentiveness they each still put in for each other is unmistakable.</p><p>Jake eventually relinquishes Dirk’s mouth to make his way to his neck, leaving a trail of light kisses along his jaw.</p><p>“<em>Jake</em>…”</p><p>Jake responds with a pleased little hum, mistaking Dirk’s genuine attempt at communication for encouragement, but he doesn’t let up, which Dirk isn't sure how to take. On the one hand, he’s struggling to remember a time he’s ever felt happier than he feels right now, and on the other, he knows full well what kinds of things can happen when he gets too happy. His brain, for all its strengths, never quite learned just how to do <em>happy</em>, so it tends to respond by shutting itself off entirely, leaving an opening for Dirk’s mouth to shuffle in unguided and say something entirely inadvisable, if not downright stupid- something with consequences that his brain will inevitably be the one to have to deal with later.</p><p>"<em>I love you...</em>"</p><p>Something like that. </p><p>Now Jake stops dead in his tracks. He lowers his head at first, resting his forehead against Dirk’s shoulder for a few seconds, but then seems to recover enough good sense to pull away entirely. He shifts his body back to face forward, and stares out blankly ahead.</p><p>
  <em>Say something, Strider. Fix this.</em>
</p><p>"I know it's soon…"</p><p>"Ah, but that's the thing- it's not, is it? Not really. You've said it a thousand times before."</p><p>He sounds so… <em>tired</em>. Worn out, really. Defeated. Dirk looks up at Jake’s face, studies it, and for the first time out of all the first times, he can tell that he is unmistakably older and wiser than he was before. He’s being so cautious about something he’s jumped into without a care countless times, because he must have, finally, learned to think ahead to the inevitable pain that's always followed. For the first time, he's trying to protect his heart. But it’s more than that. He seems…<em>hopeless</em>.</p><p>So Dirk can’t hold back anymore, not his mouth or his brain. He can’t afford to play it cool, or get caught up in his own head, or worry about protecting his own heart. It’s finally his turn to be the reckless one. It’s his turn to bring the hope.</p><p>"Well, I meant it, every single time. Even if I knew fuck all else about any of it, I never said it unless I knew I meant it."</p><p>"And what has it gotten you? Besides a whole mess of heartache and regret, every single time?"</p><p>"Well, I got to ride a horse today."</p><p>"Dirk… "</p><p>"Jake, listen to me- yes, I regret a lot of things in my life, believe me. Like, <em>a lot</em>. And plenty of things from lives I haven't even lived on top of that. And probably at least half of those regrets are entirely to do with you in one way or another- things I’ve said to you, things I haven’t said to you, walking away from you, letting you go, and about a million and one other ways I’ve let you down. All the <em>heartache</em> I’ve caused you, so many times, for so many years. Those are my regrets. But <em>loving</em> you is not one. It never was and never will be. And all of the heartache I’ve felt over the years was more than worth it just to know that, for a little while at least, you loved me back. Just for however long I managed to not fuck it all up that time. So I don’t regret it. I'd do it all again without hesitation, I always have and I'm pretty sure I always will, whenever you’ll have me. So just, whatever happens, try to remember that, at least.”</p><p>He glances back at Jake, who’s now looking straight down, appearing less despondent and more actively distressed now than before.</p><p>“But, fuck, I know it’s a lot, I get it. And of course I just had to go and double down and make it even more, instead of shutting the fuck up and backing off like a normal person, so I’m sorry. I am. You don't have to s-”</p><p>“I love you, too.”</p><p>The words are right, and it’s so tempting to just run away with them without a second thought, but Dirk can’t let himself, not yet.</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>Jake just chuckles, almost bitterly, at the apparent ridiculousness of the question, before finally looking back at Dirk’s worried face with a half smile.</p><p>“I never stopped, Dirk. Not once in nine years. And I’m sorry to say now it wasn’t for lack of trying on more than one occasion! But I couldn’t do it. I never could.”</p><p>“Me neither.”</p><p>"But…”</p><p><em>Oh</em>, there’s a but.</p><p>“But I just don't know how many more times I can do this, Dirk. I'm sorry, I know I'm the one who planned this big huzzah today all to try to win back your heart, so it's rather unfair for me to be the one in such a tizzy over having apparently done just exactly that. I guess I'd just forgotten how thoroughly terrifying it's become to actually try to hold onto it and keep it safe, and I guess I figured I'd have a little more time to prepare before taking up the responsibility again. I just…”</p><p>Actual tears start to form in his eyes. Dirk squeezes his hand tighter, desperately wanting but afraid to do more.</p><p>“I really don't know how many more times I can stand to lose you before it kills me. And I can't make you promise I never will again. I can't promise I'll never give you a reason. And I can't even promise I won't just keep coming back anyway. So, just what are we supposed to do with that?"</p><p>Dirk calls on the full power of his brain to wake up and find an answer, and make everything OK, and make Jake stop crying. But it comes up empty. So, OK, fine. He’s absolutely terrified, but he dismisses his brain once again, and, with a bit of internal self-flagellation at the particularly <em>uncool</em> variety of irony, makes the decision to just speak from the heart.</p><p>"I don't know what we do with it. I don’t really know what it is we’ve been doing for nine years or else I’d say let’s try exactly the opposite. But, maybe instead of making promises we don't know if we can keep, maybe we stop spending all our time together just waiting for it to all fall apart again. Maybe we just think about today. Today I love you, and you love me, and we want to be together, right? So that’s something we can do. And tomorrow we can decide if that's all still true. Maybe that's all we can handle right now, but if it is, I'm all in. So, can you just stay with me today, Jake? That’s all I’m asking from you. Just today. And today's only about two more hours, so I really hope it’s not too much to ask. I’ll do whatever I can to make you happy for the next two hours, and then I’ll just try to keep doing that. Is that something you think you could do?"</p><p>Jake silently considers. At least he’s stopped crying. Then he looks back up at Dirk.</p><p>"OK. Yes. I can do that. I can love you today."</p><p>Now those are words to run away with.</p><p>“OK.”</p><p>Jake opens his arms, and Dirk turns and easily falls back against him. He then wraps his arms tightly around Dirk, and Dirk layers his own arms over top. It's the most natural series of motions in the world. It feels like coming home. Unbeknownst to each other, they both close their eyes and silently promise themselves that they will do absolutely anything in their power to not fuck it up this time, not today and not ever. And then they silently let their brains shut off and let themselves get swept away by the happy.</p><p>"Thank you, Jake, for a truly unforgettable day."</p><p>Jake kisses Dirk’s cheek.</p><p>"Hopefully the first of many."</p><p>"Yeah. Hopefully."</p>
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